Saturday, May 12, 2007

And here it is...

The end is near. This is my final post about the 2008 candidates, and boy is it a big one.

The Cast of Major Characters with at least a moderate chance of getting elected:
The Party of Lust
1. Hillary Clinton
2. Barack Obama
3. John Edwards
The Party of Greed
1. Rudy Giuliani
2. Mitt Romney
3. John McCain

The Cast of Minor Characters with a slim to infinitesimal to nonexistent chance of getting elected:
The Party of Lust:
1. Al Gore-Global Warming Idiot-in-Chief, Former VP and Hollywood's darling little Pookie-poo
2. Joe Biden-Credentials: Boring leftie
3. Bill Richardson-Gov. of New Mexico (yes, he's a democrat) but besides that...YAWN!
4. Dennis Kucinich-Execrable piece of sheep dung
5. Former Gen. Wesley Clark-a military leftie. Sound like a contradiction? It's not. He was a general in NATO, and not in our armed forces. He thinks his position as a former general allows him to critique the president's handling of the war in Iraq without contradiction. No chance at all.

The Democratic second-fiddle candidates, or in this case third, fourth, and fifth-fiddle, have even less chance than the GOP minor characters because, unlike the GOP, the major Dem candidates actually represent liberal values (contradiction in terms.) Hillary for the aging Boomers apoplectic at the thought of passing the reigns on to the next generation. She also attracts flies and radical feminists. Obama for the ones who are willing to take a chance on an untried and fairly green candidate, and Edwards for those left behind (like the racists and sexists who wouldn't vote for the other two.)

The Party of Greed:
1. Mike Huckabee- Former Gov. of Arkansas (Yes, where Bill Clinton is from) and former Baptist minister. Also known as the "Disappearing Governor" for losing fifty pounds while in office. Good morals, but perhaps not the most conservative of Christians. Slim, but entirely possible chance; see below.
2. Sam Brownback- Senator from Kansas....His campaign is like his state: flat and dry. Slim to no chance.
3. Duncan Hunter- Rep. from California (!) and yet another boring candidate. Like Brownback, he seems like decent president material, but with the odds slated against them, we'll never really know.
4.Tom Tancredo-Weird guy from Colorado. Illegal immigration is his schtick.
5. Newt Gingrich-Fat, ugly, morally slack and hypocritical former Speaker of the House. His face has been compared unfavorably to a fire hydrant.
6. Tommy Thompson-Former Governor of Wisconsin and member of President Bush's cabinet (Health and Human Services.) Seems like a nice guy, cursed with a face that looks like a catcher's mitt. No chance whatsoever.
7. Fred Thompson-Former senator and actor from Tennessee, starred in hit TV series "Law & Order." The only movie I've ever seen him in is The Hunt for Red October with Sean Connery and Alec (Hack! Hack!) Baldwin. He played the Captain of a aircraft carrier and delivered the best line of the whole movie in a gravelly southern accent: "Son, [to Baldwin] your average Rusky don't take a dump without a plan." This seems rather crass, but you really have to see it. I laughed out loud (yes, I lol-ed) the first time I saw it.

The Repub. lower tier candidates have more chance than the Democrats for one reason. Here it is:

Picture this situation: You're at the Democratic Convention in Denver Colorado, and the candidate has just been announced. By a fairly wide margin, Hillary is nominated. Obama stands up and, instead of surrendering, announces his campaign as an independent. This will split the democratic vote, and because of the waffling of the Republican main-liners, there is a fair chance for men like Huckabee and Fred Thompson. This has happened twice in the last century, once in 1912, when William Howard Taft and Theodore Roosevelt split the Republican vote and gave democrat Woodrow Wilson the presidency, and again in 1992, when George H. Bush and rich weird guy Ross Perot split the Republican vote and gave Bill Clinton, everyone's favorite drugged-up womanizer, the presidency. This could very well happen again with Obama and Clinton.

And now, the moment I'm sure you've been waiting for: my pick for President!

My pick is...FRED THOMPSON!!! A movie star running for president as a Republican? A charismatic man with previous political experience reinvigorating the conservative base? Sounds suspiciously familiar, doesn't it? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Fred Thompson is Ronald Reagan all over again, God bless him!

Well, there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. Now, I'm going to take a little break from the candidates and concentrate on other issues, principally religion and the books I'm reading.


sweetggirl said...

Wow Mos, that was a REALLY long post,LOL. I read most of it though. I cracked up at you saying that Hillary attracts flies,LOL. She doesn't seem like she showers very much, does she,LOL? Ur posts r so funny,LOL.

Andrew said...

It's always so much fun to read your views on just have a way with describing the candidates in their full (ha ha) glory. ;-) Anyway, I also agree that people should watch The Hunt for Red October. Awsome movie. Anyway... looking foreward to see anything else you have to say!